“Have you ever

..been alone in a crowded room?”

well, i am.

I guess it’s time for another heartfelt entry by me. Sorry kids.

Have you ever had something happen to you that you wish you could change? Just a series of events that you wish you could throw behind you, and just forget about? Not ever have to worry about them ever again? Well. These past couple of days have been very rough on me. And I really can’t help but to be upset about them.

Recently, I’ve lost 2 people in my life that were very important to me. Not through death, but through falling away. Something that i wish never happened. The first was rough, but not as rough as the second. You never realize the value of certain people until they are gone for good. Especially for reasons taht are ridiculous or for no reason at all.

The first was lost to jealousy. jealousy of someone else that i have grown to love to talk to. Someone who understands where i’m at and i just don’t know what i would do without at this time. While, this person is very important to me at this point in my life, the person I lost was more important at the time. She was a great person, and I dont know where i would be today if it wasnt her comfort and affection (non-bf/gf relationship). And honestly, if it wasnt for her support, i’d probably be where i was in january and beginning of february. A mess. So, I guess its a little too late to thank her, even though i know she knows that i was/am grateful for every little thing she did for me and i know she was grateful for every thing i did and said for her. The times when her other half wasnt around to make her feel okay. I miss you. A lot.

Now, for the biggest heartbreak i’ve ever felt. 4 months+ of absolute ecstasy. The best feelings that i’ve ever felt in my entire life. Now they’re gone and unrecoverable except in the memories that bring tears to my eyes. I gave everything and got everything in return. It was probably the one relationship that i never expected to lose completely and now its gone. I can’t really describe in words how i felt about this girl. She was probably one of the most influential people in my entire teenage life. Moreso than my parents. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and now she’s the worst. While i still have feelings that are somewhat strong, I’m starting to come to grips with the fact that they’ll never be the same. Never will i feel the warmth that she provided in my life both physically, emotionally, mentally, and in my soul. Once again, if it wasn’t for her, i dont know how i would have survived the end of my senior year at high school. I love her dearly, but now that its over, all i have left are tear stains and used tissues from being so upset. Yes, my last post was spiteful, but with every problem, your first instinct and tendency is towards anger and spite. I realize that was very wrong and like I said, i’m sincerely sorry. It was wrong, and I know you accept my apology, but it wont do me much justice at this point being that it was over before that entry was really written.

Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a decision to make. Either give up completely or hope for some sort of revival. While my tendencies lean towards optimism and hope, I don’t think my personality can carry me far in this aspect. I don’t think that my feelings will ever be quite the same about anyone. This is why I have hope. Because I hope that she can find a way to love me again. But like I said, I dont think that hope can carry me far this time because i cannot control other people’s feelings.

You may be wondering why we’re over completely? Well, to be honest. I’m not quite sure. I know we had some hiccups lately, but like any couple, shit happens. Its a well known fact. Well, I’m a little confused. I’m sure that the hiccups were the cause of everything, but i’m not sure of a definite answer. When I find out, I’m sure that i’ll post something about how i fucked up or how dumb i am. To be honest, its how I get over myself. Self-pity. Oh well. Such as life.

So there you have it. Two of the biggest heartbreaks of my life. One right before college, and one very recently. So basically, I don’t know what to do with myself. While yes, I’m meeting new people and making new friends, I cannot replace these two people in my life. At all.

An amazing friend, and the girl i love. Those two things are irreplaceable. And those two things don’t care about how I feel really. Its quite depressing. The first just wouldnt listen, and the other is just giving up completely. Honestly, it seems like she moved on during the first fight and just found someone or something. I have no idea what happened to sway her decision towards nothing in a matter of days after we have had the hiccup. Especially when we’ve pulled through some bumps many times. Hell. We came from a GIGANTIC bump. an accident in a way. But a beautiful accident. And hell. To quote Motion City Soundtrack, “You said we were an accident. With accidents you never know what could have been. You say we were an accident. You’ll always be my favorite one.”

I dont really know what to make of any of this. Its just so. Like. Confusing and upsetting. I’ve been basically haunted with nightmares since the first bump. I haven’t had a single happy dream. Which has been leading to restlessness, fatigue, sickness (yes..im lovesick), and just feeling like shit. You seriously don’t think that you could feel the effects of a broken heart that a people describe until you actually experience them. Its probably the worst feeling in the world. I hate it. But theres nothing I can do at this point except put her in my prayers and hope god’s listening and can do me a solid. However, i have shit luck. The one lucky thing I have is gone. So. I’m fucked.

Well. Enough of me ranting. I’ll probably post some more feelings later.

<3?? </3? i have no clue..

“I’m so (And when the rain comes)
I’m so lonely for her (It’ll fall and that’s okay)
I’m so lonely for her, I’m so (And when the sun comes out)
I’m so, I’m so lonely for her (It’s gonna be a beautiful day)
I’m so lonely for her
I’m so, I’m so lonely
I’m so lonely
I am so, All I know is
Why I am so lonely for her
For her”
-Jack’s Mannequin